A coach is supposed to say less than a client. But she was awfully quiet here in my coaching session. All I could hear was myself rambling on about an issue with a colleague. It was so quiet on the other end of the phone that I wondered if our call had been dropped. I paused.
Silence.
Then: “How are you seeing her, Diane?”
“Stubborn. Controlling! Righteous.”
Dead air.
“You’re being righteous, Diane.”
Stunned silence.
My coach had been listening. But I thought she’d agree with me. In fact, I was counting on it.
We Think Faster Than We Listen
Research supports that human beings use only 25 % of their listening capabilities, even though 85% of all that we know comes from listening. We listen to 125-250 words per minute, but we think at 1000-3000 words per minute. No wonder we misinterpret most messages we receive.
When I run groups, I sometimes line three people up in chairs, sitting next to each other. I ask the one in the middle to be the listener, and the ones on the end, the talkers. I ask each on the end to think of something they know very well and can speak about with flow and ease. Then, I ask each of them to talk at the same time to the person in the middle, out loud. Inevitably, when I stop them and ask the listener how much of each conversation she heard, it’s always some percentage of each, never 100% of both.
When asked the group members’ opinions about the why of this exercise, they always say, multitasking reduces listening. Very true–I read once that multi-tasking reduced one’s IQ by 10 points while engaged in two or more things. But…what if one of those two people beside the listener was the listener talking to themself in their mind, not someone else talking to them?
When we are caught up in our heads, our listening capacity is drastically reduced, and we miss important information about the other person or the situation, leading only to a partial understanding.
Our Ego Tunes Others Out
And often, we talk about things that bother us with others because we are looking for agreement, whether that be talking directly to the person themselves (we try to convince them we’re right), or a third party, as in the example with my coach, above. In our human essence, we want to be right. Our ego doesn’t want us to be wrong, so it quickly pushes out any information that may suggest that there is another perspective to consider, or factors that may poke holes into our theory. It’s very sneaky. But tuning out is one way our ego keeps us safe (ie not vulnerable), by being ‘right’.
Listening for Agreement
It’s natural. But it’s not helpful. I’ve had far too many clients come looking for agreement. While validating their points of view given their histories/limited understanding/current emotional state and so forth, I also ask them to be curious about the situation or other persons involved, rather than remained fixed in their thinking or opinion. Sometimes, people looking for agreement just keep walking when I don’t automatically give them what they came for, which saddens me. They leave with no more than they came.
Listening for Insight
When talking about a difficult situation, or an ongoing one without resolve, try listening for insight rather than for agreement. Being curious allows for true resolution, rather than blind compliance, forced negotiations or cloaked compromises that end in resentment and wavering commitment. Instead of listening only for ‘You’re right’ and ‘exactly,’ also listen for ways to bring you new information. The following are great questions to ask when you are listening for insight:
- What am I missing here?
- What am I doing or not doing that I can’t see?
- How might you/they be seeing this?
- Is there something I could be doing differently that might help?
- Is there another perspective that I can’t see?
- You’d tell me if you thought I was seeing things incorrectly, wouldn’t you?
Finding Good Listeners
Often, we go to people who we think will agree with us, even if that’s a subconscious decision. Like acquaintances we connect with at a social gathering—a safe bet for head nods and ‘uh-huhs’ since any form of confrontation in early stages of relationship development remains taboo. Or our friends who usually tell us only what we want to hear if we aren’t careful. If you ask a friend to listen, preface the conversation by letting them know you are looking for different ways to look at the situation, and that you don’t just want them to blindly agree.
As in my example above, a trained coach is a great choice for a listener. A good coach will not simply agree with you for the sake of avoiding tension. She will help you to explore perspectives so you can see the whole truth. Even if it stings a little 😊.
