I was floating on a ‘self-gratification’ binge following a difficult divorce when my trusted self-help guru burst my bubble:
“No one owes you anything. Not your mother. Not your spouse. Not your best friend. Not your employer. No one. Nothing,” she scolded.
My Mona Lisa smile melted into American Gothic-farmer serious. What?! Tell me it’s not so… Deserve is a dirty word. I learned this the hard way.
’Deserve’ through Entitlement
Entitlement implies that we should get or have something. Why? According to whom? In our Western world we’re prone to thinking by cause and effect. For instance:
- Because I went to college, I should be rewarded with a good job.
- Because I make six figures, I should be treated like royalty.
- Because I help others so much, they should help me.
Don’t ‘should’ on others. It’s just not fair, to you or that other person. Deserve as entitlement is pride in shadow form, and often comes from a place of underlying shame and inferiority. It’s also a set up for failure. Not getting what you believe you deserve spurs anger. Entitlement separates and objectifies, leading us to see others as a means to our end rather than as people. It also fails to take into account the possibility that having things happen another way may hold more long-term value than our tunnel vision affords us to see.
Entitlement creates distance and fosters suffering.
‘Deserve’ through Victimization
Deserve is victim language. It implies that someone is withholding something from you. In this case, ‘deserve’ is used on a more personal level:
- I deserve to be treated better.
- I deserve more attention.
- I deserve to stay home and not work (while you do).
In this case, it’s not exactly things we’re after, it’s ways of being treated. We mold our desires into expectations and when we don’t get what we want; we get indignant, righteous, angry. What if the responsibility for filling the gap was not the other person’s to fill?
‘Deserve’ as a victim implies there’s a problem, a deficit.
‘Deserve’ through Self-Worth
- “I deserve a raise for my hard work.” versus “Everyone deserves to be compensated fairly for work well done.” Both true statements.
- “I deserve to be treated with respect!” versus “Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.” (Notice the tone differences between these statements, and the first ones – how do these compare?)
- “I deserve to feel loved.” versus “Everyone deserves to feel loved.”
Modifying these statements from ‘I’ to ‘everyone’ can stir up different emotions: from anger to self-love or perhaps sadness because your current situation doesn’t reflect what “everyone” deserves. Your identified needs may or may not be fulfilled at this moment in time. If not, it’s your responsibility to figure out how to meet your own needs and desires, even if through different people and situations.
Your Needs & Decisions
We all have an inherent ability to choose. When we are feeling like we are striving to get someone to give us something, or resentful because they are not, we are in victim stance. The key to transforming this? Face reality.
- Identify your desires and needs
- Choose to make a request
- Choose to express a need or emotion
- Choose to leave
- Choose to accept
- Choose to develop a plan to fulfill your desires or needs in a different way
Then ask: What do I want or need? How can I get what I want or need?
For instance, let’s say that you feel you deserve more affection from your partner. You have asked and he says he will try to be more affectionate, but things don’t change much. How else can you get this need met?
- Identify your need or want (affection)
- How can you get it? Make your choices:
- Initiate the affection with your partner yourself; it will likely be returned
- Hug more friends
- Join a warm and fuzzy reading group
- Get a massage
- Try again: have a civil, non-judgmental discussion with your partner about the pattern you’ve noticed (“I’ve asked and you’ve said you’d try to give me more affection, but I don’t see a difference. How can we solve this?”).
- Call a counselor or relationship coach and schedule a time to meet
The first step is a scary one when you work towards building your self-worth and minimizing your view of what you feel the world owes you. Whatever first change you make doesn’t need to be a big adjustment, just so long as you move towards improvement of quality of life. If you’re not sure where to start, feel free to call me for a free phone consultation so we can work together to figure out how to begin. Remember, we all deserve to have a life worth living!
